


Lest I Rue

by buttfulmavinness



Series: No Longer Frightened [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternative route, Depression, Gen, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-05-08
Packaged: 2018-03-29 15:56:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3902146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttfulmavinness/pseuds/buttfulmavinness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They're breaking, Hide's breaking, Kaneki's breaking, but Hide needs to keep supporting Kaneki. He has no choice. But what can he do, when his words refuse to leave his mouth while Kaneki cries? Tsukiyama's trying to hide it but he's blaming Hide for his passivity. He hopes to find the strength in him to keep going, but the looming remorse for not doing anything isn't always enough of an incentive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lest I Rue

**Author's Note:**

> Aye. Where me bois at, yo? Here they be. 'Cus when you wanna write porn of your OT3, you gotta make a story how they got together. Who knew it'd be so... Well, blue. 'Sides, I haven't even watched Root A yet. But hey, I tried writing, for once. It's been a while. Some... Things have happened. Hope I've managed to do the whole evolving thing right.  
> This be for you Piggi. You're... you're welcome.  
> Tell me yer thoughts, especially if you feel like I should add a tag or something. And it's gonna be a series, so the porny bit won't be added to this, in case some peeps don't wanna see that ish. I think that's about it, then. Juup. Cheerios.

  
The first time Hide meets Tsukiyama, is not when Kaneki introduces them. It's several months before that, in front of a bookshop. Tsukiyama is exiting, saying his goodbyes, when Hide walks into him, distracted by the adverts for a book coming out, one Kaneki has been talking about for a good couple of months. They apologise to each other; Tsukiyama out of politeness, Hide more out of habit than anything. He's used to getting distracted by things, one thing taking all of his concentration, and having small accidents.

He looks at the man, giving him the once-over you do to strangers when they have caught your attention. He wonders what someone wearing high end fashion is doing at a common bookshop.

Tsukiyama, on the other hand, evaluates his edibility. The boy is not really his type, and he doesn't hold any significant physical traits worth pursuing.

They go their own ways, soon forgetting about each other.

 

When Kaneki does introduce them, it is at Anteiku. Hide's stopping by to greet him, asking if he's eating properly, sleeping well, if the customers are being mean to him, when Tsukiyama enters with a book in his hand. He gives Kaneki a wave, and Kaneki welcomes him. Hide turns towards the person Kaneki's addressing, curious about how he was acting more familiar than with other customers. He feels like he recognises the man from somewhere, but he isn't sure.

Tsukiyama comes over to them and introduces himself to Hide properly. They shake hands, and Hide notices how they're soft and slender, not at all like his own. He notices how Tsukiyama places his other hand on top of his, enveloping them.  _Social dominance._

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Hide-kun. I've heard only good things about you."

Hide glances at Kaneki, who's fidgeting a bit, trying to seem busy wiping cups dry.

"Unfortunately I can't say the same thing about you, Tsukiyama-san."

Tsukiyama laughs. It's airy and seems honest, but something keeps Hide on his toes. It's the same aura he gets from Nishio-senpai. The same he's been getting from Kaneki lately.

"That's fine. If Kaneki-kun hasn't told about me already, it means I can hopefully still make a good impression."

Kaneki sputters next to them.

"I wouldn't say mean things about you, Tsukiyama-san! I just... Didn't get around saying anything," he mutters an excuse. Hide ruffles Kaneki's hair, trying to ease the tension in his shoulders. He does wonder why Kaneki hasn't mentioned the man, but he holds himself back, saving the curiosity for later.

Tsukiyama sits down at a vacant table and orders a black coffee. Hide keeps standing at the bar, occasionally glancing at him. There is something else besides the aura that is bugging him.  
"Kaneki? Why does he seem so familiar?"

Kaneki looks up from the coffee he's pouring.

"Tsukiyama-san? He told me he sometimes models for magazines, so maybe you've seen his pictures?"

Hide taps his chin thoughtfully.

"That really might be it... I think I've heard some of the girls talk about him in class. So how do you know him?"

"Oh, he's a regular here. We sometimes talk about books, since he's interested in them too." Kaneki looks back down at the coffee. Hide sighs.

"Another booknerd. There just isn't an end to them, is there?"

He looks back at Tsukiyama, who is reading the book he's brought with him. Kaneki takes the coffee he's prepared to him. He hears Tsukiyama say something in another language. Kaneki nods and returns back to the bar. Hide watches as Tsukiyama sips his coffee, fingers positioned more gracefully than anyone there, not a single slurp coming out. Even the way he sets the cup down is silent. _Elegant and high class._

Hide turns towards him completely and walks over. He pulls out a chair, loudly, breaking the atmosphere around Tsukiyama, but he doesn't pay it any mind. He plops down, elbows on table, leaning in. Tsukiyama looks up from his book, seemingly surprised that Hide's decided to sit down with him.

He starts the conversation with some half-mundane, half-personal question, something that gives Tsukiyama the possibility to back down from the offer to socialise, but something that also allows him to continue a good conversation. Tsukiyama, to Hide's surprise, answers extensively and asks Hide what he thinks. Hide answers and his interest in Tsukiyama peaks. He is an interesting character, in some cases eccentric and strong-opinionated, but it only adds fuel to the fire.

The book in Tsukiyama's hands is laid down on the table, and his coffee is only half-drunk when it becomes too cold, sitting next to the book, both forgotten. Kaneki comes over to take the cup and ask Tsukiyama if he'd like to have a new one. Tsukiyama thanks him but refuses. Hide is building up his argument on human character and how much of it is decided at birth, but is interrupted when Kaneki asks him if he'd like to go home with him. He feels sheepish, having gotten too fired up in the conversation and apologises to Tsukiyama.

"There's no need, Hide-kun," Tsukiyama says, waving his hand, dismissing the apology. "I had fun talking to you. I hope I get to do it again."

"Me too," Hide grins at the man, waving his goodbye to him. Kaneki comes back from changing out of his uniform, waving his goodbye to the other workers and then saying a personal goodbye to Tsukiyama. Tsukiyama smiles at him and says something, but Hide's too far to hear. Kaneki combs his fingers through his hair before answering. He jogs over to Hide and they exit the cafe.

 

The next time they meet is outside the crumbling buildings. The CCG has aborted the mission and is desperately trying to find any survivors, so it's easy for Hide to go unnoticed on the edges of chaos. He has to walk all the way to the other side of the area to find what he's been looking for. He sees hooded figures standing near a bench, masks covering their faces.

Ghouls often use masks while hunting to hide their identity, he recites the TV show in his head. They're speaking quite loudly, but he cannot make out what they're saying. They're distracted, and it isn't until Hide's ten meters away from them, that they notice him. None of them seem to be the one he's looking for. There are shouts and many of them look ready to rip his throat out, but one of them holds a hand in front of them.

"You shouldn't be here."

Hide recognises the voice. It's soft and pleasant to listen to, but there is an edge to it. He isn't too surprised to hear it, considering the circumstances. Neither is he surprised to hear him.

"I know. I just want to know where he is," he answers, scratching his cheek. Tsukiyama stays silent and unmoving.

"Who is he?" one of the others demand to know. Tsukiyama lets his arm fall down and takes long strides until he's right in front of Hide. His face is covered by a crescent moon.

"He'll be upset if he finds you here. He'll be upset that you even know what he is."

Hide feels conflicted. Tsukiyama sees it and places a hand on his shoulder.

"Let me take care of him. He's..." Tsukiyama tries think of a way to explain. "Fragile, right now. I'll bring him to you."

Hide sighs in defeat. Kaneki's been fragile for a long time, but he doesn't bother explaining to Tsukiyama. He places his own hand on the hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

"Do you promise to protect him?"

Tsukiyama smiles, his eyes closed, when he answers.

"With my life."

_Liar._

 

Their reunion isn't what Hide had desired it to be. It's been several weeks since he had seen Tsukiyama and he had begun to doubt the chance of seeing Kaneki again. A text from a number he doesn't recognise, with the initials TS under an address, rekindles his hope.

_'I'll bring him tonight.'_

The apartment is bleak and chilly, and he feels awfully alone when standing in the middle of it. He waits as he's been told, until the door opens, revealing Tsukiyama who is leading Kaneki in. Both are wearing dark clothes.

_Like thieves in the night._

Kaneki looks like he's been to hell and back. It takes Hide a while to even recognise the person as Kaneki. His hair is white, he's wearing a frown that seems like the expression he wears most these days and his body language speaks of tension and violence.

The quick glance he sacrifices to Tsukiyama's direction tells him that isn't the same man he saw at the cafe. He's still glamorous and suave, but the confidence is gone; a crumbling facade barely hiding his meek face when Kaneki has his eyes on him.

Kaneki is not happy when he sees Hide. He looks betrayed, screaming at Tsukiyama, rage twisting his face. Hide feels like crying. He doesn't want to see Kaneki like that. He hides his feelings as well as he can, trying to seem as relaxed as possible.

"Yo, Kaneki. I know you're an old soul, but don't you think the white hair is a bit too much?" he jokes. Kaneki looks at him. He's trembling in fear. Tsukiyama looks just as uncomfortable as Hide feels. There's a heavy silence pushing down on all of them. Hide shifts before attempting to break it.

"It's... Okay. I know, dude."

Kaneki twitches and looks at Tsukiyama. Tsukiyama tenses up. Hide feels bad for him, getting caught in this crossfire.

"I've uh... Known for a while, actually. It's fine. You're still Kaneki, for all I care."

Kaneki swallows, fingers constantly twitching. He's still exchanging between looking at Hide and Tsukiyama. It's clear that he's blaming Tsukiyama, thinking he outed him to Hide. Hide doesn't bother correcting him right now.

"You, uh, probably think you're some sort of a monster, but... Ghoul is what you are, not who you are. Wow that sounded cliche," Hide mutters, ruffling his hair. Kaneki seems to be slowly relaxing, the further his monologue goes on. A small whine breaks the pause, and Kaneki crouches down, holding his head in his hands.

Tsukiyama watches over him, still ready to fight or flight, whichever choice seems right. Hide doesn't move towards Kaneki, feet stuck to the ground. Kaneki wails, tears dripping from between his fingers, splattering onto the concrete floor.

"I just want you to come home." Hide hadn't meant to say that. He's not sure what he even means by that, but the words are still honest.

Some time passes, but Kaneki keeps staying crouched, and Tsukiyama grows impatient. He taps on his shoulder to see if he's responsive and/or possibly hostile. He receives no response and he shakes Kaneki's shoulder harder to break him out of his thoughts.

"We should get going, Kaneki-kun, or the others will get worried."

Kaneki's expression is befuddled. He looks at Tsukiyama, clearly not registering his words. Tsukiyama doesn't repeat himself, just pulls Kaneki up from by his arms. From the corner of his eye, he notices Hide is still standing there. His mind seems to return to a more coherent state, as he shuffles, slowly and almost like trying not to scare Hide away by approaching him. Kaneki doesn't look him in the eye, rather glancing anywhere else but. He stops in front of him, fidgeting. They don't say anything. Just stand there. Hide forces his feet to finally move, taking the extra step necessary to wrap his arms properly around Kaneki's hunched shoulders. Kaneki breaks down crying, and not for the last time.

 

He meets Tsukiyama daily, when he comes to see Kaneki in an apartment in a different ward. The one Kaneki now lives in. The one he knows Tsukiyama has provided him.

It has signs of other people having lived there, but Hide doesn't ask where they are now. He just gathers the way too large socks, the well-used pack of cards and a ribbon he's found, in a small pile on the kitchen counter. They disappear soon enough. Tsukiyama either takes them to their rightful owners or to the trash. Kaneki doesn't leave the apartment altogether. Sometimes he's even holed up in his room for days, refusing to see anyone. Hide visits him every day, even if Kaneki isn't always willing to see him. Hide wouldn't say it hurts him. He wouldn't say, because if he did, Kaneki would get hurt. So he lies to Tsukiyama, when he asks. Scratches his cheek and smiles.

The times he sees Kaneki, he keeps thinking one thing: Kaneki is not the same. The more Hide sees him, less recognisable Kaneki becomes. He looks different, he acts different, sometimes he even speaks different. Hide feels like he should be blaming Tsukiyama. It'd be the natural reaction. He had promised to protect Kaneki, and he had failed.

He knows Tsukiyama knows he could be blaming him. He sees if in the dark circles of sleepless nights around his eyes, his pale face and red eyes. He rarely sees him eat, and it's not like Tsukiyama is particularly trying to avoid him when he is eating.

Watching a ghoul, the modern society's pinnacle or rotten selfishness, getting so deeply affected by someone else's misfortune makes him feel heartless. He knows ghouls experience emotions a lot like humans, he's seen it, but there are times he cannot stop his thoughts. It makes him feel sick.

 

Tsukiyama is open about his feelings. He doesn't push them on Hide, he doesn't seek counsel in him, but when Hide asks out of curiosity, he doesn't lie either. He tells him how he does feel guilty and insecure, just like Hide thought he would. He's thankful Tsukiyama doesn't expect him to be his emotional support. Hide doesn't believe he has the capability. He can barely manage staying calm and collected with Kaneki.

Watching so closely over him, Hide notices how Kaneki flinches, when Tsukiyama gets close to him without him noticing. He assumes it’s only one of Kaneki’s fears, people surprising him, but when he accidentally surprises Kaneki, Kaneki doesn’t flinch the way he does around Tsukiyama. He doesn't react at all.

 _Is he that trusting of me?_ he thinks to himself. It haunts him, how Kaneki perfectly lets his guard down around him. With Tsukiyama, Kaneki tries to keep him in his line of sight, never completely turning his back to him. Tsukiyama hasn’t noticed, but when Hide becomes aware of the flinching, he notices all the other things; Kaneki won’t allow Tsukiyama touch his skin, Kaneki keeps physically more distance between him and Tsukiyama, than with him and Hide, Kaneki immediately leaves the room when Tsukiyama eats, Kaneki is more likely to tell Hide he’s not feeling well than to Tsukiyama.

He had thought they were close, they had seemed close, but now he can see how wary of Tsukiyama Kaneki is. He needs to know why. Tsukiyama has to have answers.

He sits Tsukiyama down at the kitchen table. The way he looks at Hide is open and kind, despite being visibly tired, and for the life of him, Hide cannot imagine why Kaneki is wary of him. But he knows, even the kindest people carry heavy sins. He is no exception himself.

"I want to ask you something," his voice breaks the solemn atmosphere. Tsukiyama gestures him to continue. "I'm not sure, if you've noticed but... Kaneki seems apprehensive, when you are in close vicinity. Do you know why?"

The small, tired smile on Tsukiyama's lips disappears. There is a flash of a sneer before Tsukiyama hides it under a blank face. Hide blinks in surprise, but doesn't address it further. Tsukiyama hadn't looked like it was meant towards Hide, rather himself. Chewing his upper lip, Tsukiyama shifts in his seat, shoulders hunching.

"I do," he admits, although hesitantly. "Tell me, Hide-kun, has Kaneki-kun ever talked to you about me?"

Hide shakes his head. He probably wouldn't be asking these questions if he had. Tsukiyama doesn't seem surprised.

"Then tell me, have you heard of a ghoul, who goes by the name of The Gourmet? Or rather dubbed as one by the CCG."

He nods.

"That is you, isn't it?" he verifies. Tsukiyama, not bothered in the slightest by revealing his identity, smiles.

"A ghoul of extravagant culinary taste, always seeking ingredients like no other, thrilled by finding a ghoul of peculiar smell," he sighs, painting a picture in Hide's mind. There is a playful lilt in his voice, one meant for storytelling. "So what does he do? He seduces, he makes preparations, he ensures the tenderness of the flesh, before presenting his finding to a restaurant full of ghouls... Only to find that ghoul to be one of a kind, a half-ghoul, something never seen, only known in legends and stories hushed in the dark," Tsukiyama describes, tone and words becoming more dramatic he goes on. Hide's enthralled by his voice. His eyes have gained a predatory glint, and Hide can see the Gourmet, the persona Tsukiyama has created for himself, right in front of him.

"The Gourmet cannot allow anyone to have a single bite out of this discovered treasure, so he distracts them, gives them an offering and extends his hand towards the small boy reeking of fear. He's lost his trust, but he doesn't care, thinking about the best way to devour such a treat. There are so many ways but none of them seem befitting. He wants it to last, and so he comes up with a grand idea. 'I want to eat him while he eats a human,' he declares, swiftly creating a new stage for what is sure to be the greatest meal of all time. He finds a girl, a pretty little thing, and brings her with him to a church, long abandoned. A place where even God can look upon him and see the perfection yet to come.

But he has made an error; the girl is claimed by a ghoul, one who knows the half-ghoul and his friend. They are weak, silly things; the man having put off eating, the girl desperate for becoming a human and trying to live like one, eat like one. The Gourmet is too strong for them. Too strong, and too blind in his strength to see the girl and the boy make a wicked plan. She takes a bite of his meal in front of him, regaining her strength, and enraging the Gourmet. Blind to everything, he attacks carelessly and pays for it dearly, nearly losing his life. He is left alone, dying on the floor of the church, as if getting to see his own foolishness, whilst God witnesses from above. Desperate, he consumes himself to save his life, retiring to his home to heal."

Tsukiyama's expression softens, voice changing for a more gentle tone.

"He eats, he weeps, he curses those who took what had belonged to him. What he had thought belonged to him. Days go by, and he doesn't return to the cafe where the boy is sure to be found. Not until he isn't there anymore, and desperate for the Gourmet's strength, his friends call to him for help.

It's the golden opportunity, and he takes it. He goes with them to free the boy, only to find him already free. Free and strong, stronger than he could have ever expected. Or so he thinks. It isn't until later, that he founds out he's been wrong, so very wrong. The boy, wielding great power, is not free, his chains now invisible, his heart shattered and weak.

He feels conflicted. The incredible spice of eating another ghoul is something he could never have dreamt of, but simply the sight of the boy broken and mutilated in countless ways... He hadn't realised it, but he had become his friend. He doesn't have many, and he feels lonely in the middle of all the people he knows but doesn't truly care about. Do not make the mistake of forgetting he still wishes to devour him. But do not forget the other side of things, the regret of hurting him and hope of making amends, regaining his trust. He wants to eat him, but without harming him, without killing him..." Tsukiyama's voice dies down, wavering with emotion. His eyes refuse to meet Hide's anymore. "Without losing him."

Hide watches Tsukiyama swallow. There's a lot he wants to say, but he doesn't know what exactly. He doesn't want to accidentally say something hurtful. Quiet taps of bare feet and the sound of closing door breaks the heavy silence set between them. Tsukiyama looks towards Kaneki's room, but it's hidden behind a corner. His face has paled and there are tears threatening to spill over. It's clear he didn't expect nor want Kaneki to hear.

After that, they only talk about mundane things: school, news, even books occasionally, when Kaneki is around. It gives them all comfort, talking about something familiar and not in the least exciting. It makes things seem normal, and even if it's just an illusion, it works for Kaneki.

He begins to function better. He's afraid of going outside, afraid of someone getting hurt, but little by little Tsukiyama and Hide manage to help him let go of his fear. But that is just one fear among many.

His other fears show during the night when he has night terrors. Whenever the sheets get tangled around him and he wakes up, he trashes the room, trying to break free. Tsukiyama is the only one around the first time, and the next day, when Hide comes over, the apartment is a mess, just like the two men living in it.

Setbacks happen, Hide tries to reason with himself, trying to not lose hope, but two broken people trying to support a third, someone who was close to being obliterated, isn't a combination that works well.

He talks about it with Tsukiyama one night, after making sure Kaneki is sound asleep in his bed. He had seemed calmer that week, but they could easily be just fooled into believing things are getting better.

"Tsukiyama. We need to do something."

Tsukiyama looks up from his coffee to stare at Hide with bleary eyes. Hide can tell his thoughts. They've needed to do something for months. Hide rubs his eyes, trying to rid himself of the weary feeling setting into his bones. He'll probably crash tonight as well. He does more often than not. It's not a good sign, but no one bothers saying anything about it. Hide feels like he's breaking at the seams. Kaneki's well being comes way before his own.

"We need to break-" Hide moves his hand in a circle between Tsukiyama, Kaneki's general direction and himself. "-this, whatever this is. It's gonna ruin everything in the long run. I was thinking if you took a week for yourself, and I watch over Kaneki, and then we switch. We're going to all break down if we don't."

Tsukiyama blinks slow and looks down at his coffee. He wants to say no, he feels like he should say no, but he cannot bring himself to say the words. It's a fact that he's close to breaking down, but he worries if Hide will be able to hold on long enough.

"Tell me, will you be okay by yourself, Hide-kun?" he asks, almost whispering. He takes a gulp, hoping the coffee will keep him awake and soothe the hunger.

Hide is about to joke about how he's tougher than he looks, but instead he decides to be truthful:

"I'm not sure. I hope so, or... It's over."

Tsukiyama is not a very religious man, but the brutal truth forces him to make a silent prayer.

 

Hide does his best, trying to take Kaneki out for a walk at least once a day. He doesn't bother going home, rather spending the nights at the apartment. It's better for Kaneki as well. Rather than waking up to an empty place, he gets to listen to Hide snore outside the door. The days are spent by Kaneki teaching Hide to brew coffee and then drinking said coffee. Tsukiyama has courteously filled the fridge with fresh meat for Kaneki, so they don't have to worry about hunting.

 

Sometimes Kaneki forgets where Tsukiyama has gone. Mostly it's just him asking Hide, and after being given an explanation, he continues on doing what he has been doing. There is a time near the end of the week when Kaneki has a breakdown, and he doesn't remember why he hasn't seen Tsukiyama for so long.

"Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he?" he keeps on asking over and over. Hide's tired and scared, and he doesn't answer quickly enough.

"Did I eat him?" Kaneki whispers. His hands clutch his head and his kagune rips through his shirt, waving around wildly, smacking the walls and floor. Hide wonders how quickly it would be over, if Kaneki does completely lose control. Not the worst way to go, he admits to himself.

"I ate Tsukiyama-san? I ate-? Why? Why? I don't want to hurt," Kaneki cries. Hide steps towards him and dodges the red limb swinging by his head.

"Kaneki." His voice is rough, tired and weak. He clears his throat and tries again. "Kaneki."

"Hide?" Kaneki looks up at him, his face scrunched up in agony. "Did I eat Tsukiyama-san?"

Hide shakes his head.

"No, no you didn't. He's just visiting his family remember? Taking a breather after all that's been going on. Do you remember, Kaneki?" he tries to prod his memory. Kaneki mouths his words over and over, trying to internalise them.

"He's visiting his family. Visiting his family. He's alive?"

"Yeah, he's alive. Alive and visiting his family. You've done nothing wrong." Hide deepens his breaths.

"Nothing wrong. Alive and visiting. I've done nothing wrong." Kaneki takes deep breaths with him, imitating both his words and actions. His kagune twitches as it disappears. Hide feels his head pounding but keeps talking to Kaneki. He has to. He has no other choice.

They're exhausted when Kaneki's calm and coherent again. Hide tugs on the hem of Kaneki's  shirt to get him to follow. He wants to take a nap and he assumes it'd do some good for Kaneki as well. Sleep allows them to forget about the world they live in for a few hours.

 

Hide is at his breaking point when Tsukiyama arrives. He has begun to doubt if trying to help Kaneki is even worth it. He's considered giving up, every single one of Kaneki's breakdowns feeling like one too many. He feels disgusted with himself for even thinking about it. Feeling disgusted won't stop the thoughts, though. They plague him when he helps Kaneki eat, when he takes him out for a walk, when he tries to fall asleep on the couch, only to get up an hour later to calm Kaneki down.

The amount of relief he feels by simply seeing Tsukiyama's face makes him nearly faint. Tsukiyama looks almost like his old self. The colour is back on his cheeks and he's been gaining back the weight he had lost, not much, but it's a start. He doesn't look exhausted or like he's about to cry any second now. He looks confident. He's either made very good progress, or it's a very well made facade.

Hide lies down on the sofa, closing his eyes, hoping the dizziness will clear soon enough. Few hours later he's in the entryway. His hands shake when he tries to put his shoes on. His voice wavers when he says his goodbye. He hopes he'll feel half as good as Tsukiyama looks when he's finished with his week off. His whole body shakes like a leaf in the wind when he walks down the street, desperate to get far away as fast as he can. He breaks into a run.

 

The moment he sees him, Kaneki clings to Tsukiyama tightly, apologising over and over. Tsukiyama is not sure what he is apologising for, but he assures him that he's forgiven him, no matter what it is he thinks he's done wrong. There's nothing Tsukiyama wouldn't forgive him for.

Over time, Tsukiyama notices how Kaneki's behaviour is changing. He seems to sense that Tsukiyama has gained some balance and stays coherent for longer periods of time and calms down faster than before. On the second night, Kaneki wakes up screaming once, and Tsukiyama's able to immediately calm him down and put him back to sleep. It's almost like magic to him.

He feels gratitude towards Hide, for breaking their downward spiral. He feels nearly hopeful.

 

Hide feels like he's aged several years in the last few months. He needs to feel like a kid again. He pays his most urgent bills before changing into his pajamas and cracking open a can of soda. He opens a bag of chips and sets himself down in front of his TV, playing MarioKart until his eyes hurt. He turns it off, crawls into bed and sleeps for a solid 16 hours. He orders pizza for breakfast. He doubts his diet during his recovery week is going to be very healthy.   
He drops by Nishio-senpai's at the university to apologise for his absence, only to get waved off. He restocks on household necessities and his favourite foods. He vacuums and takes out the trash. At the end of the day he feels like he's actually accomplished something and managed to create a sense of normalcy. If only the feeling would continue.

On the third day Tsukiyama cracks a joke and Kaneki laughs. They're both startled by it, and Tsukiyama feels like breaking into tears of happiness. He keeps himself in check, though, trying to avoid making Kaneki feel bad. Kaneki is still struggling with feelings of guilt for depending on Tsukiyama and Hide.

  
  
On the fifth night, when Tsukiyama is wishing him good night, Kaneki asks him to stay the night with him. Tsukiyama considers it an improvement, Kaneki admitting to himself and others that he's feeling lonely and scared. He lies down next to him, listening to his breathing. It's the closest and most intimate they have been in months. Tsukiyama feels a bit giddy. Kaneki's breathing slows down quicker than he has anticipated. He stares at the ceiling.  _A set of LED stars or a luminous painting would be nice. Something to look at when you cannot sleep._

Kaneki shifts in his sleep. Tsukiyama turns his head to look at him, looking for signs of distress, despite not really seeing much. Nothing happens, and the feeling in his chest eases. He reaches his hand out to gently touch Kaneki's hair. Giving in, he pets it, wondering if it felt the same when it was black.

  
  
When the week is out, Hide truly feels ready to go see Kaneki again. He hopes things have gone well during his absence. If not, Tsukiyama should've called him to let him know, so he doesn't feel too worried.

The apartment smells like roasted meat, almost making Hide feel hungry, if he hadn't known of its human origin. Tsukiyama greets him, looking a bit tired, but nothing a good night's sleep couldn't fix. Kaneki looks up from the meat he's cutting for Tsukiyama. He gives Hide a tentative smile. Hide's surprised by how much better he is looking. He goes over to him, taking his head between his hands and turning it.

"Kaneki, have you been putting on some weight?" he asks, joy filling his body the longer he inspects him. Kaneki had looked malnourished during the first few weeks, but Hide had tried to keep him fed well enough, even if his appetite had been terrible. Seeing Kaneki actually gaining back his weight makes some fall off his shoulders.

Kaneki pouts, actually pouts, when he answers.

"A bit..."

Hide pulls him into a tight embrace, a small laugh breaking out. It's been months since he's laughed sincerely.

  
  
He's about to take the couch when Tsukiyama calls his name.

"Hide-kun? I think Kaneki-kun would appreciate it if you spent the night with him."

"Spent the night? You mean in the same room?"

Tsukiyama nods. Hide furrows his eyebrows, but shrugs and takes his pillow with him. He knocks on Kaneki's door before opening it.

"Kaneki? Tsukiyama said I should spend the night here?"

Kaneki looks up at him from the book he's reading. He bites his lip before nodding.

"If it's okay with you."

Hide grins. He steps in and closes the door. The day has been good, and he feels oddly optimistic about the night.

"It's like sleepovers all over again. Do you want to read to me too?"

Red paints Kaneki's cheeks at his words and he hides behind his book. Hide crawls into the bed. It's warm and much better quality than his own. Kaneki peeks over his book, looking at Hide who's snuggled next to him, patiently waiting for him to start. He sighs in defeat.

"Okay, but I've already read some of it, so you might not know what is going on. It's called Snowdrops by A.D. Miller and it tells about an English lawyer who works in modern Russia. He falls in love with a Russian woman and becomes corrupted. His neighbour has asked him to find information about his friend's location, as he hasn't seen him for a long time."

Hide hums to show he's pretty sure he knows what's going on. The book doesn't sound like what Kaneki would normally read, but he isn't going to pester him about the change in his taste in literature. Kaneki clears his throat.

"'Steve said he was sorry, but the policemen he knew weren't that sort of policemen. He told me not to waste my time, because Konstantin Andreyevich was probably dead —fallen into the river or under a car, or maybe he had drunk the wrong moonshine and keeled over in the forest.'"

Hide doesn't ask who Steve is, or about Konstantin Andreyevich, or what sort of policemen had the main character asked about. He listens to Kaneki read until he falls asleep. It's been a long time since he's fallen asleep like that, and the nostalgia is comforting.

  
  
Kaneki has his bad days, but on average his days are good. He's glad about it. He's thankful for both Tsukiyama and Hide for letting him depend on them. He hasn't been blind, he knows his breakdowns shatter parts in them all, not just him. When the night terrors make him scream loud enough to wake him up, he wakes up whoever else is in the house. He's tired of feeling weak and pathetic, but he isn't the only one. He's seen Tsukiyama lose his appetite, seen through Hide's tiredly faked smiles meant to reassure him. He feels guilty and he knows it doesn't help him make things better. Every day he lets go of the guilt, only to find himself grasping on it for his dear life the next morning. But he tries. He owes them that much.

On the fourth month of living in the apartment that Kaneki basically could already be calling home, he goes back to Anteiku. He isn't there to return to work there. He cannot imagine returning to such normalcy. He isn't there to make his way back into the community he put in danger. He feels too guilty. He's there to only let them know he is fine, or at least better than he was when he saw them last.   
When he steps in, and they realise who he is, Touka seems conflicted between hitting him and hugging him. She doesn't move until Hinami hugs him, and he hugs her back, giving in and squeezing him with the force of a screw vice.

He tells them a summarised version of his last four months, heavily diluted. He doesn't want Hinami to be scared. Touka seems suspicious of Tsukiyama's part in all of it, but let's it slide with just one warning.

He says his goodbye after exchanging greetings with everyone. He feels better but not significantly so.

He asks one of them to sleep next to him every night. He doesn't sleep alone anymore. Tsukiyama and Hide do not mind in the slightest. Being able to immediately soothe him when he wakes up from a night terror puts their minds at ease. If they're both there, the other usually takes the couch, and if there's screaming they come to soothe Kaneki down with the one who has stayed in his room.   
No one's sure whose idea it is, but Tsukiyama buys an even bigger bed for Kaneki's room. Hide can't figure out how the people managed to get it into the apartment, not to mention the room, but there it is the next time he comes over. It's sort of odd, all three of them sleeping in the same bed. He expected Kaneki to be the one in the middle, but after a brief discussion, Tsukiyama is actually the only one able to comfortably sleep there. Both Kaneki and Hide find it hard to sleep without having the edge right next to them, but it doesn't mean they won't try to get used to it over time.

 

It starts with the goodnight kisses Tsukiyama gives Kaneki, or so Hide thinks. It's most likely gone on for a while, in the background, but none of them have noticed it. Tsukiyama pets his hair and presses his lips against his forehead when he's about to fall asleep. No one mentions it that time, nor the next. Their relationship is changing, but no one feels comfortable talking about it.  
It isn't the only visible part of the change. When they watch a movie, and Hide falls asleep near the end, he curls to Tsukiyama's side. Tsukiyama absentmindedly pets his hair throughout the finale. Hide doesn't stir, but Kaneki notices and watches them from the corner of his eye. When it's over, he helps Tsukiyama carry Hide to bed. That's the first time Tsukiyama gives a goodnight kiss to Hide.  
When Tsukiyama leaves to brush his teeth, Kaneki quietly rolls over to Hide's side and pecks him on the cheek. It's sort of nice, he thinks to himself. Like showing your appreciation and that you care.

 

The sudden kiss to his forehead startles Hide. Tsukiyama tries to keep his expression neutral, but he's worried if he's done the wrong thing. It's been almost a week since he did so the first time, and he wants to do it again. Hide looks at him, trying to find an explanation, but he isn't offered one. Kaneki doesn't say anything.

Kaneki's glad Tsukiyama is the one who broke the barrier, because he hasn't had the courage to. He's tired of being the only one showed any affection. Boosted by Tsukiyama actions, he gives Hide a goodnight kiss of his own. Both Hide and Tsukiyama seem surprised by his actions, but neither says anything. Taking the opportunity, Kaneki plants a small kiss on Tsukiyama cheek. He looks positively baffled, as Kaneki turns to lay back down.

 

Seeking validation through affection is something Hide’s come to expect from Tsukiyama. It’s rare if he doesn’t seek physical contact at least once in a day. Kaneki seems to resist the gradual change more so than Hide; they’ve been… acquaintances for a longer period of a time, so maybe it’s harder for him to adapt? Or maybe Tsukiyama’s behaviour really is changing rapidly? Hide’s so used to adapting to different situations, always keeping himself flexible, molding for every situation. It’s like his second nature.

He doesn’t even think about how odd it is until he finds himself drained and needing a breather, Tsukiyama approaching him and having to turn down the affectionate touches. He isn’t oblivious to the jerk of Tsukiyama’s body as he holds his hand up to stop him from getting closer. He feels guilty, but he doesn’t have the strength in him to just put up with it. He tries to make up with it with an apology, but it isn’t convincing enough. He sees the doubt on Tsukiyama’s face, how he’s trying hard to figure if the fault is in him or something he’s done. Hide let’s it slide, for now. He’ll try his best to mend the damage he’s done when he has the will to.

The guilt nags at him throughout the day. Tsukiyama keeps staring at him when he isn’t looking straight back at him, otherwise staring at the walls, expression closed off. It isn’t helping him feel better.

 

Over time the goodnight kisses are accompanied by good morning kisses. During the day, they give each other small affectionate touches, warm smiles and long looks when the other isn't looking back. They don't address it for the first few days. None of them have the will nor the words, but there comes a time when it becomes necessary.

Tsukiyama is passing by Hide and gives him a pat on the head. He’s still clearly remembering the rejection, but slowly they’re working through it. It’s not instantaneous that Tsukiyama accepts the fact that being rejected once doesn’t mean he’s no longer wanted around. Hide tries to talk it out with him, and they’re making progress, very slowly.

Leaning into the touch, Hide feels like it's not enough and stops Tsukiyama on his tracks, placing his cheek on his shoulder, nosing the crook of his neck. They stand still in silence, Tsukiyama still petting his head and Hide listening to his heartbeat. Tsukiyama senses a distinct shift between them, which worries him. He's about to ask Hide, if they could talk, when Hide sighs, more for emphasis than anything.

"Yeah, yeah we need to talk. All of us need to talk," he reluctantly mutters into Tsukiyama's shirt. Tsukiyama chuckles. Neither of them really want to address the issue, but it has to be done. Hide’s been prepared for it, observing the change as it’s taken place, but for once instead of simply observing, he actually has to do something about it as well.

 

The coffee’s bitter. It makes Hide rub his tongue against his teeth. It’s a good distraction, and for a second he can forget the awkward atmosphere. There are a questions like ‘are we all actually on the same page’, ‘are you serious? I’m asking because I can’t tell’, ‘do I actually want to do this?’, ‘do you want to do this?’, ‘is it even possible?’ hanging in the air. Sometimes someone picks one and shoots it out, the other two mumbling and shrugging while avoiding looking at each other.

The coffee’s gone cold and Hide pushes it away to rest his head in his hands. This whole thing's a mess, they’re all just a bunch of messes and now they want to add the element of a romantic relationship into it. 

 _When I told myself we could pull this off, I was so bullshitting._ **  
**

There’s one thing that bothers him the most. When he brings it up, Kaneki agrees with him wholeheartedly.

"It can be detrimental to my health. It can cause harm to any-" he pointedly looks at them both "-of us. But I feel like it's worth it."

Hide wants to argue against it. He wants to but he doesn't. Neither does Tsukiyama say anything. They have a million reasons for Kaneki to say no, but he keeps his mouth shut. Tsukiyama keeps staring out of the window. Without being able to even meet his eyes, Hide gives in and nods, utterly defeated.

It's Kaneki's choice. Or maybe he's just being selfish.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, yeah, tumblr is buttfultsukineki if you be wondering yeah, nothing more to say. I hope you find your time well spent.


End file.
